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Emotions Part 1: A letter to Sarah

Updated: Jul 26, 2018

Emotions are beautiful. Often survivors accept only certain emotions and pick and choose based on which emotions feel safe. Capacity to love, worship, enjoy and grieve is expanded with the acceptance of each emotion, not matter how 'unsafe' it make one feel.

A survivor recently wrote describing the new emotional awareness she has after she was able to make a conscious decision to stop attending rituals. She realized that the trauma and 'high' of a ritual numbs the heart and now she is able to experience emotions at a new level.

With this new release comes new challenges as well. Strong emotions like anger can be seen as a threat. Often in the past emotions were only allowed to be expressed in a certain cult-arranged circumstances and there is a fear that these events will replay themselves anytime that emotion is present. New emotional memories must be built.

She is asking how to live and if anyone else goes through this phase of the journey.

****Please note that this survivor has been used as a breeder in the hybrid breeding project. To learn more about this please visit the Q&A page. You will hear a reference to her 'hybrid son'. This is an offspring produced during her involvement in the project.


I appreciate where you are at in the journey. It isn't easy, but it is very important.

Learning how to own your emotions and accept yourself is very important. It isn't a quick process, but it is very important.

The more you are able to connect with, accept and come to peace with every aspect of yourself that is separate from who you are as [Survivor's Name], the more of a place there is for the Lord.

The more the Lord has His rights in you, the less the enemy has any rights over your life that he can "access".

This process is all counter-intuitive though. Our Father must be the One leading us or else we end up meandering back into domains of self and satan.

The places most hidden to us are the places of biggest stronghold. The Lord must reveal these things. We will never "find" them on our own. We are conditioned to avoid them at all costs.

Sometimes the process pauses for a time for your emotions to catch up a bit, but then you don't have capacity to feel it all so you need to go back into the 'doing the work" part of the process.

It's a bit like dance, but you're making it through it. It may feel like you're going in circles, but if the Lord is leading then each time around is a deeper place than the last time.

As you begin expressing emotions you will notice a few things:

1. Not all your emotions are YOURS.

Continually ask the Lord to remove all the emotions of your hybrid son, anyone you've had a one flesh union with, satan and the entire network of hybrid mothers. When you take responsibility for your own emotions, clearly state that you are only OWNING what belongs to you...not just everything you feel.

So if I am feeling intense anger I would say, "I call all of me forward out of anger and the last time I gave expression to this anger in a ritual. I command all anger that does not belong to me be removed off and out of me in Jesus Name. I refuse any anger that belongs to satan, hybrids or any other human in Jesus Name.

(If I sense who it's coming from I will pray more specifically around it and any remaining bonds to the person.) .

Any anger I have given up and disowned I call out of satan. Any time I have been in sexual union and an incest bond with a hybrid and been one with him in this rage I now command all of me and my emotions to be separated out of this bond and my spirit and soul to be cleansed in Jesus' Name.

I separate all of my anger out of the corporate (infrastructure, matrix, satanic body of christ, etc) and call back all of my human essence out of every place I went while being shattered (especially at the conception of my nephilim son with satan at 12/13)."

This is just a generic prayer. Often there may be a root of bitterness that needs to be confessed and forgiveness released as well. The Lord will lead you. At first, instead of commanding things to happen, I would ask the Lord to do it for me. After a while, I knew my authority and the way I prayed changed.

You pray the way that is most honest to you. You don't need to be in a certain place or pray in a certain way, you just need to learn to love Truth and desire for the Lord to lead you. He is the One with the authority, just stand into it.

2. Your emotions need cleansing.

For your entire life, when you expressed an emotion it was never just 'you'. You had to control emotions through dissociation, you gave up certain emotions to be controlled by satan or hybrids or your emotions were used as a channel for the 'emotions' of satan or hybrids. This means the very capacity for you to have emotions has been the same capacity satan used to channel himself through you. (Same with your spirit and worship, but I'll stick to emotions/soul for now.)

So sometimes when you first begin expressing certain emotions they will have some attachments.

Always try to be gracious towards those around you during this process. Often when we are just trying to 'express' ourselves there is also demonic energy that comes alongside and really affects people we love. Usually we don't know this is happening we just feel like we are FINALLY able to feel something for the first time and the person across from us starts hitting the roof!

And we think they're the one with the problem!!!

No, they are just getting hit with remnants of the last time we were at a ritual and expressing this in the context of idolatry. For a sensitive Christian this charge coming through us can be very provoking, painful or agitating.

Often after I have a big emotional release I'll simply pray that the Lord cleanse the atmosphere and whoever I'm with from any charge that came through me even to this day because often we are not aware of our own weaponization.

3. Some emotions are really memory states we are still stuck in.

Often the strongest emotions we feel just mean more is emerging from memory states. These emotions will literally evaporate or slowly dwindle as there is more release through abreactions and grounding. Depending upon where you are in the process, there will be a lot of this.

4. Very strong, unresolved emotions can be a sign of recent access.

Even after not being accessed for a year and a half I still have a deep abiding fear of being accessed, and it is not all bad. I'm not afraid of being hurt, I fear what it means to my relationship with the Lord and others.

Many people yearn and fight to get to a place where they can no longer be accessed....naturally this is a normal goal. For me the desire to not be accessed often prevented me from coming into touch with the most recent access. I often feared what I thought of myself and what others would think of me when I came out with it all.

Learn yourself and be honest …What are you most easily averted from inside?

If you think a certain thing and immediately find yourself diverting from that place / emotion / thought, learn to ask yourself why or ask the Lord why.

Do this for rituals but also do this in regards to your character.

If I find myself starting to hide in certain areas in my life and thoughts, I know something is needing to be exposed there. I would often go weeks or months between accesses and think "I had arrived" and others around me, including Doug would think the same. Then that feeing like I need to be in a certain place and my own pride would shield the most recent access.

I finally got to a place where I believed nothing I could 'do' could prevent me from being accessed.

No amount of counseling, no amount of hard work or tears or anything would protect me or convince God to protect my DID system and inner strength.

I cast myself at His Feet and said I will go on being an idolater the rest of my life if You don't break in. And whether You do or don't help me right now, I still submit to You.

Your greatest asset in this process is a love for Truth and a fear of the Lord.

To me you can't really have one without the other. We have been deceived our whole lives and have a natural bent towards deception. The Lord knows this and makes a way for Truth to come in if we are really wanting it.

Ask for Him to show you the Truth, no matter the cost.

  • If you find yourself proud

  • or thinking life is easy and you have 'arrived'

  • or are judging others

  • or feel like you deserve certain things,

Ask the Lord to show you what is going on inside you … why are you diverting attention outside?

This happens to me over and over again and often I have deep pain coming up or grief or some emotion I need to take time to express. It is rarely ever about what is going on around us.

Often the Lord has His Finger on something and He is simply trying to get our attention and say:

"I'm right here. I'm with you. It's time to looks at this. Will you let Me in here?"

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