Often Multiples struggle with the balance between accepting responsibility for cult-aligned parts, refusing all culpability for the actions they perform as a person or wanting to control other aspects of self instead accepting other presentations of self as simply more of their own person.
In response to a previous email:
I felt God put the words in my heart so strongly one night I couldn't just keep silent. I have hope for Anna that if she responds correctly to the Lord that He will open doors wide for her. If the Lord disciplines someone it is always a good sign and should be seen as an opportunity.
I cannot tell her all that the email means as many of these things - the light the Lord gives (His revelation), the Lord withdrawing favor and support, her point of departure (when she was given light and turned away from it to her own way and reasoning and strength to meet her needs) - these are particular to her life and the Lord must reveal them. There is a lot more going on below the surface as we all know.
Many phrases popped out in her email, but this phrase "I accepted being made a weapon, repented and do NOT WANT ANY EVIL in my / our life" - repentance is deeper than words.
To me, these are just words. It's a start, but the depth is missing; the reality is missing. If there is true repentance then there will be submission to God and Godly authority and an ownership of what grief and shame this has brought to our Lord.
I am still growing in this. To know what it has done to His Heart each time I acted in deception and rebellion is more than I can bear. I will never fully know, but the deeper I know His brokenness, the deeper I know His tenderness.
The last part of the statement I believe is a key to the whole issue - she does NOT WANT ANY EVIL in her life. You have your controller front and center.
And "But hearing it, makes me feel like I'm sooooooooo much more EVIL, BAD & with no future" - you have self-righteous Christian presenter.
If I was with her I would say (hopefully with a big smile and lots of empathy)
"You are, Anna. YOU are so much more evil, bad and you have no future outside of Christ. There is nothing good in you and that is where we stand with God in and of ourselves. We are orphans and beggars and prostitutes, filthy and wicked...and this is what you go back to every time you are cult active. Rebellion is your heart. It is every human’s heart. This is where we begin with God and this is where we end. Who we are outside of Christ doesn’t change. We aren't rehabilitated in Christ, we become a new creation.”
I have found in my life this self-righteousness is a character issue and is the last to go. It holds onto dissociation to the bitter end.
All that a person ever wanted and needed to be - loved, precious, valuable, enjoyable, good, worthy of affection.. - the presenter became outside of Christ (in our own strength thru DID).
This ground of self-strength must be broken. It’s the place of anti-Christianity cloaked as the real thing.
Not anti as opposite but anti as a substitute for true Christianity.
We are quick to say “but I am in Christ accepted in the Beloved and loved and a Child of God!”
And it is true but it is applied to false ground.
We have been so conditioned to quote scripture outwardly but twist it to mean something different inwardly and build up our own case.
Inside we want to be good in and of ourselves.
We want something to offer God.
We want to be worthy of His love.
We want resurrection without the cross.
We want a savior like Barabbas, a freedom fighter, and not Jesus.
“ It breaks my heart to hear that I am not the christian i thought i am - its more than i can bear!!!!!! ......that none is/ was real?? how do one survive the grief - its too much to bear.......that all's just a lie/ a front? its worse than the worst horror movie!!! ”
This is exactly where you need to go .. the truth is - you are NOT the Christian you thought you were ...
You are still cult active and serving satan .. you, Anna ... YOU are still serving satan !!!
By saying it is your cult aligned parts who are going out to rituals - and not you ... maintains dissociation - and you will NEVER get free.
YOU are going out to rituals ... don't be religious anymore .. YOU are actively choosing with your will to serve satan.
Take FULL responsibility!!! YOU are still going out to rituals when you are triggered ..
Go with that wicked heart of yours to the Feet of Jesus and WEEP for what you are doing to HIM and His Body!!!
NO MORE DENIAL!!!