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Navigating More Release of Self: A letter to Ava

Updated: Jul 26, 2018

As the journey to wholeness progresses, the way survivors experience more release of self also changes. The deeper you are able to connect, the more you will experience the reality of your whole life. This includes trauma, amnesia, the full range of emotions and reactions, body memories and effects on the spirit. During the initial stages of release there will be a concentration of the experience of the particular aspect coming forward, but this will settle out in time. The key is to allow love to penetrate each aspect without partiality or judgement coming from the rest of the person while at the same time letting the Holy Spirit cleanse, convict and bring us into right relationship to the Lord.

A survivor wrote describing dense amnesia associated with a release of a new aspect of herself. When she came forward she was unable to recognize anything or anyone around her. As she grounded in the present and became more co-conscious with other aspects of herself she was able to begin to understand where she was, although she felt the process was a lot slower than she expected. She is wanting to know how she can help frightened, confused aspects of herself as they come forward acclimate to the present....

Hi friend!

Good to hear from you!

It sounds like your releases are getting deeper. This is a good thing. As you get deeper in your core things will take longer and for a time amnesia may be much stronger during the release. 

The way you experience more of yourself coming forward will continue to change throughout the process, but remember any “more” is a good “more”.  The shock is an artifact or piece of the memory. If this part of you stored a lot of trauma then the release will hold an echo. Over time the actual processing of the trauma will occur. The experience at the time of the release is just the beginning, but don’t fear because the Lord has brought you this far. Many times we are afraid of the echo of the memory or the trauma and it maintains separation, but it’s ok to trust the Lord and be honest and just say over and over “Lord I can’t do this. Please help.“ 

As you begin deeper integration you will find a release will increase the level of pain in life not lessen it like it did in the beginning. This is why the Lord builds capacity in us thru the journey. Whenever I have release of emotion and filling in the Lord builds in me capacity for more suffering as I walk it out because a release of more of me at this point brings with it the emotional devastation and trauma as well as capacity to experience life. 

The reality is that you really lived through these things and you really won’t ever be the same.

The Lord heals and makes new but integration means accepting truth and that truth carries the reality of what happened. If someone went thru half of the stuff you went thru but without dissociation they would probably be catatonic and drooling in some corner. By God’s grace that isn’t you, but you will have the reality, whatever that looks like for you.  It won’t be more than you can bear, and it will probably lessen over time, but there are real scars.  For me it looks like high anxiety, a barrel of PTSD, lots of insecurity, lack of relational boundaries, propensity towards promiscuity, pride and prejudice etc. ...the list goes on.  

Working together internally is a vital step towards integration. Having what your counselor calls an inner self helper is also beneficial. I called my inner self helper “the ghost” or Adelyn. This Adelyn helper never presented in the body. That’s why I called her the ghost. She was the closest thing to my new birth identity that I had but still nonverbal in some ways which is probably why she never presented. Anyway when new aspects would come forward Adelyn was like the ambassador and no matter how repulsive or dirty Adelyn wouldn’t judge, she would only love and welcome. The more you can unconditionally love and welcome yourself, the faster the process will go. 

Remember a protector is just as in need of love as the one being protected. Learn yourself and ask the Lord to help you navigate internal conflict. Often conflicts are deceiving. Sometimes the resolution is found in aspects being heard and validated and forward at the same time and nothing more. 

Big hugs, keep seeking


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