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Emotions Part 2: A letter to Sarah

Updated: Jun 24, 2019

Emotions are beautiful. Often survivors accept only certain emotions and pick and choose based on which emotions feel safe. Capacity to love, worship, enjoy and grieve is expanded with the acceptance of each emotion, not matter how 'unsafe' it make one feel.

After going through a season of feeling strong emotions, the survivor who wrote in an earlier post has reached capacity and feels overwhelmed and inundated by it all. She is asking how she can grow in capacity and not just feel, but express all these new emotions as well as how she can sort through them all.

She also notices when she expresses herself some people are hurt or affected by her reactions. She is aware of many people around her that are still involved in the cult. She is in a protected environment, but wonders when she can begin branching out and gain independence.

Note: Many survivors believe they can control things outwardly to stay 'safe' and prevent another aspect of themselves from being cult active only to discover later on that their methods of safety were not effective and they were only reflecting outwardly their disdain and distance towards that aspect of self that was still cult-aligned. This is addressed as a potential issue. Safety comes from the inside, by submission to the Lord and integration, not through outward controls. That part of self which wants to control another is usually the primary hindrance towards integration and an end to cult activity and accessing, not the other way around.


Hi there friend,

Capacity is built through obedience to the Lord and in time. The journey builds in capacity as you go.

Most of the emotional surges are memories, and so 'sorting' them actually means you are trying to control / dissociate them. You may find it easier just to let them be and not try to fight or change them. It is helpful just to accept them and then remind yourself what is actually happening in the present.

The best way to deal with the charge behind the emotions is to just let it come fully forward at the proper time (in a session or with someone trained). Holding back keeps the charge in place. Just like other emotions, anger must be released and grounded before you can fully be separate for satan and his proxies in that emotion.

The journey around accessing is very hard and disappointing because the presenter often wants what is perceived to be 'good' and 'right'. We are disappointed often because we believe we are some where and some one we are not.

We believe a part or alter is different from us and we still want to keep those desires distant. In reality, my friend, it is you who still wants sex and still wants to go out. No matter who you have around you 24/7, they cannot keep you from being accessed.

I'm sorry if this comes as a surprise / shock. Having scores of people around you all the time will not prevent you from going out. You as a presenter will not keep you from going out.

All the counseling in the world will not keep you from walking out that door to go back for the next hit and to fill that void inside from your history of idolatry.

You must make a choice before the Lord and then come to the end of yourself and truly accept that it is you, all you, that craves that which only brings death in your own life, to those around you and to the Body and Bride of Christ. Whether you stay dependent or become more independent will not matter in this area until there is a deep breaking inside and your will truly is surrendered to the Lord.

This for me wasn't done in a counseling session or with anyone else around.

I spent hours weeping and praying knowing that something wasn't right and there was something the Lord wanted but I couldn't give Him. I asked Him to expose it and bring it forward. He did but it nearly cost me everything.

I was on the brink of losing my relationship with my counselor and being asked to leave the assembly and living with my handler (who was also a member of the assembly). Every time I would have a session I would come home and get accessed. It wouldn't be a full blown ritual but a sexual assault to put down my heart.

I got to a place where I knew in my heart I couldn't do this anymore. I was at a crossroads.

I knew I would be fully cult active again if the Lord didn't intervene and I knew I wouldn't be allowed to stay at the assembly if I was accessed again...each time we are accessed we are weaponized and as much as we want to call it victimization there is still a choice and a responsibility behind each access, and processing it fully will reveal that. So I cried out to the Lord and He revealed this hidden place of passivity in my heart where I had actively chosen to be passive.

I believed that God did nothing when He saw me abused, so I made myself like God and actively chose passivity. I was deeply bitter towards God and said in my heart "I will do nothing until I see God do something" believing myself to be more righteous the He.

I had a choice when I became aware of the separation to go right into that aspect or distance myself. I chose being together and felt like I was losing everything and would never want God again, that I hated God, etc. As I began assimilating over the next hour and I began to see Truth for the first time and repentance came immediately.

That was the last stronghold of an active will in dissociation.

Within hours God moved me out of that house and I haven't been access since. That was Feb 2017. I hope this helps. There is nothing external that can prevent an access indefinitely.

Having the safety of people around you now is a gift from God and I have no intention of undermining it. If God has given it to you it meets a need whether you know it or not.

All I want you to know is that your safety must be an internal openness, vulnerability and obedience to the Lord.

When I run into cult active people I naturally feel self-protective or judgmental. The reality is that satan through them can only touch in you what is still on his ground. If you are walking in the Light the Lord has given you then anything that comes through them will only expose more of what needs to be brought onto the Lord's ground.

If I find myself being judgmental it is often because I have the same issue in me that I am judging in them and I am projecting!

If you can overcome and love others it is the Lord's victory in your life. Think about how He has lead you and handled you. Think of His kindness. He feels no different towards those others. He is captive in them.

If we can move into the reality that we are in Him and His emotions towards them can flow through ours, then that Life will overcome all the death in them. Often I find the way I see and relate to others only exposes my own deceptions about God's Nature and character and myself.

I then submit these filter to Him and let Him renew my mind with His Word.

Also as far as knowing when you’re ready, I have found that that’s not our role. The way I [make an important decision] is I wait until I sense the Lord directing in some area then I check in with my spiritual head [my pastor or counselor]. If both are a yes then I say ok Lord show me how to move forward. A feeling of being ready or not ready doesn’t mean much. It can be pretty misleading as I’m sure you’ve discovered!


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