Emotions can be terrifying for a survivor, especially anger. Dissociating and numbing one's feelings has aided in survival in the past and now feeling these undesired emotions seems to threaten the deeply entrenched perceptions of control.
Successfully learning to feel is essential to coming into life as an integrated person. Increased acceptance of every unwanted emotion directly correlates with more capacity for joy and rest.
Hannah has recently been struggling with her relationship with her surrogate father who has been her handler. She knows she should feel anger towards him, but cannot connect with that emotion.
How do I get to my anger?? And when I do connect - then what do I do to get rid of it??
The first step in dealing with emotion for a survivor of SRA/DID is to address recent cult activity. This will cause a major shut down. Once you have dealt with recent idolatry, associated vows, cleared off of your body, soul (mind, will and emotions) and spirit of what isn't yours (ie. demonic attachments, sharing of spirits and soul ties with others) as well as breaking the recent seals from the rituals due to blood guilt, then you can look at the humanity.
Anger can be a hard emotion to let yourself feel and express. Often there is a lot of internal protection around feeling anger. The aspect of you that is protecting the rest from anger is just as important and necessary as the aspects being protected and the anger itself. Make sure all of you knows that anger will not invalidate love or care towards your Dad. You can feel both. Both represent your history so there is no use telling yourself one feeling is right and the other is wrong. That would make part of your history 'wrong' or a certain emotion or expression of your heart 'wrong', and it isn't. You needed someone to love and you needed an environment where you believed you were loved even if it wasn't true. It was simply your reality at the time and it represents a part, just not the whole.
Also ask the Lord if you have any bitter root judgements toward your Dad. These bitterroot judgements with be reflected and projected internally on any parts of you that had to internalize his anger toward your heart. Anger will not be fully released if there is unforgiveness or any remaining bitterroot judgements, including if you are sharing in a generational one.
Take time to honestly look at why you feel threatened by anger as an emotion. It is clear you have anger. Others around you are aware of it, but why aren't you?
Ask yourself -
What do I believe will happen if I express anger?
What happened the last time you expressed anger?
Do you have any internal vows around anger or being angry?
Why do you need to control this?
Is it in conflict with your need for a Christian presenter or functionality in your job?
Do you still have an expectation related to a need for a Father tied to your Dad?
None of these things makes you bad, they just need to be worked through.
If you have worked around your Dad and the anger is still there, then it is likely your surrogate father is a shield to deeper bonds or trauma. You can use him as a gateway to get to who he shields. You can't go around him so go 'through' him. Follow the emotions (or emotional shutdown) to the last time all the way back to the first time.
Remember the demonic attachments and recent cult activity will prevent you from getting to your humanity. The controller/protector will prevent you from getting to secondary emotions (like anger) and the secondary emotions will prevent you from processing the primary (sadness, grief, pain). You must be slow and patient with yourself; go the road and take heart. Each layer must be worked through in succession because each layer is more of you, regardless of how it presents itself or who you perceive it to be.
'Getting to anger' is not a one time thing. It happens over time as you metabolize an entire history of your own rage mixed with the satanic rage that has been directed at your Christian heart and that you've taken in and then redirected as a self-protective weapon at yourself, God and others. This wasn't intentional or volitional at first, but now you have a decision to make.
Always look for the choice and where your active will has been hijacked. You will often find anger and a cult-aligned active will come in a pair. Consider it gold. The minute you sense rage and you know your will is locked up in some dissociated, cult-active domain, you as a presenter don't hesitate to dive right in and accept who you are in that state. DO NOT try to mediate or 'fix' anything, just welcome into the present all of you. The co-consciousness, a willingness to submit to the Lord and accept yourself and the mighty love of God will do the rest.
If you can't 'join', connect, or come forward, ask the Lord sincerely what is blocking things. You may need to clear off demonic or renounce an internal vow or something, and then go for it! This is what I've learned. I trust the Lord will lead you in your own journey.