“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good
to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
From on survivor to another. A note of encouragement along the way.
If I could encourage myself or any other on this journey, I would say that in this process of leaving idolatry, trauma and mind control, very few things matter in relation to what we can do outwardly. Very much matters in relation to what we believe and how we choose to align our will. One cannot integrate oneself; this is wholly God’s work.
One cannot even repent without the power of God, and yet freedom is entirely dependent upon repentance and turning to God from idols. We may confess our wickedness and cry out for a heart of repentance, but the spiritual turning of the depraved heart back to God comes forth from the power and mercy of God alone.
It is God’s power and working that brings internal union. It is only when we are in full submission to Him, as a Person (not just what we perceive of His plans or purpose) that we begin to see Him move mightily for us. To the degree we are still holding onto control and our lifelong methods of coping, we bid Him not to move on our behalf.
As such, much of this journey can be delayed or completely halted by our own efforts to assist in the process. If we begin this journey with a primary goal of reducing pain, then it is unlikely that our progress will ever amount to much until that desire is surrendered and eclipsed by one more transcendent. A desire for less pain is rooted in self preservation, which is the anchor of the DID System.
This desire for relief isn’t bad, but it will contend greatly with the will and purpose of God. This will be felt keenly at the most opportune moments when our defenses have been broken and we are offered a choice we have never had before.
In these key moments when control is fractured, the enemy is laid bare, hemorrhaging, and our true heart is exposed, it is as if all of heaven stops to see our response.
Will I abandon every last defense and run by blind faith into a world called ‘the present’ that has only brought anguish and rejection? Or will I continue to cower in fear and worship the god of my chains and division when the God of the universe has made this present provision for me?
These moments change us, for better or worse. What we chose will steel us either way. In the end, we believe God, despite the obvious challenges, or we don’t. A very small percentage of survivors every truly get free and yet God has made full provision for each and every one.
It is much easier to rest our faith in a method, our efforts or the process itself. We think “I accept myself and can rest today because I have counseled” or “because I chose to go for a walk instead of self stimulate” or “God is satisfied with me today because I read the Bible.”
Other times our entitlement betrays us and from our hearts we begin to say, “God I expected You to do this because I have done this” or “I have counseled for two years and I expect to be much farther along.” This is control. God is not controlled. Instead, God offers to us, in His Son, a place of acceptance dependent upon Jesus’s work, not our own.
Counseling in itself will not bring deliverance. God, our Father, brings deliverance. Many times God must shake up the counseling method itself. Frequently after an access I will be locked into doing counseling in a program, going through the motions but outside of the present and only on the surface.
In reality, I am playing games with God and my counselor, not because I am malicious, but because I am self-protected. This control wearies the counselor and further hardens our hearts as survivors. It repeats in us over and over, “I am not safe to be here.
I do not trust God to protect me in this moment. I will protect myself by dissociation.” We can continue to work on surface issues for decades and never touch the heart OR we can let God pierce through to the heart and bring it forward and the rest will collapse into that heart in the present. Our greatest sacrifices give God the greatest opportunities to act on our behalf. And I have never seen Him waste one.
Shaking and violent upheaval must come as an integral part of the process. Regardless of how broken we feel we are as survivors, our adult core person is a proud, God-hating, self-righteous idolater who is in need of a deep, penetrating breaking.
Outwardly we will not understand and the methods employed by God to bring that breaking will perhaps appear reckless, harsh and identical to the abuse we have sustained throughout our history.
And yet each blow brings the promise of deliverance. It matters most of all how we respond at these junctures, under the Hand of God. Do I believe God sees me and will fight for me or will I rise up and meet the circumstances with my own strength? Will I stand in naked faith, defenseless and believing that God has a higher purpose?
If we do, God will be faithful to use the circumstance to only strike that which needs to be stricken. Do not be alarmed if at some point during the process even those you have bonded to and trusted most seem to turn on you.
God is a jealous God and if we begin to look to and hope in others as our deliverer, He will be faithful to correct us that we might be saved from an even greater evil.
More grief comes into my heart when I consider the humble heart of God as One Who does not defend Himself or His honor for the sake of Himself. We see His nature in the heart of Jesus that healed ten lepers for only one to come back and worship Him.
May we not be delivered and united in one heart only to give that whole heart back to an idol, whether that be ourselves or another.